boy am I tired...how about you?

We joke a lot about how a pastor really only works one day a week and it is funny, really it is.  Just not true...but funny.  I think I mentioned in one of the early blogs about how I took a test on line through the Barna website to see if I had the gift of “leadership.”  Well I knew the answer before I took the test and George sent me my results, “Sorry Bill, you are not gifted with the gift of leadership...You are a shepherd.”  Shepherd...hmmm...David was a shepherd and he did ok...Moses hung out with his father in laws sheep and it worked out OK for him didn’t it?  The prophet Amos was a shepherd so I am really ok with that image or gifting...being a shepherd for God’s flock...OK by me.  But I am not sure shepherds get days off do they?  Can they call in sick?  Can they accumulate sick days?  Where is my union rep here? I have some big questions for him...Would that be Jesus...no it’s His church...the Holy Spirit...no...never mind.

The real item here is you never really take time off, I don’t think...Oh we get away for some rest and relaxation for sure...Monday is my “day off” from the church...but we are never away from the church, we are the church.  When God calls you to something like this role of a pastor you can never just leave the job behind you.  It is always on your mind....more importantly people are always in your heart and how do you take time away from that?  I know I have lots of help around me with great staff and great leaders so it is not like the world revolves around Barb and me but you can never really leave it behind...it is a part of me...I am a part of it...we are joined together...at the heart.  It is a God thing, believe me.  

We had the funeral this week for our youth pastor Jeremy Tate...Most of you know I am not a seminary trained or equipped pastor...just learned as I go I think, but I wonder what kind of training or equipping would I have gotten that could have helped me through this hard thing?  What would they teach in Bible school to prepare for a young leader dying and leaving behind a wife and 3 kids?  I would have loved to have been in that class.  Oh you can teach someone the steps to take, to be in the right place at the right time.  Go to the house...go to the funeral home with family if needed...get stories to share at the service...go to funeral home during visitation...prepare evangelistic message...go home.  

When is it ok for me to cry?  When is ok for me to yell at God?  Is there a time where I won’t have to be "on", so to speak?  Will there be some time where I don’t have to be the strong one?  

Well, my church family gives me the permission to be me all of the time...so I can cry whenever I need to.  I never really have to be "on"...I don’t have an on button. One of Jeremy”s relatives came up to me after the funeral and thanked me for being so honest and letting the service be so honest.  I was interested in what she meant by “honest” so I asked.  She said it felt raw...the emotions were raw and real and she appreciated seeing that. Me too.  

I can yell at God now if need be because God has given me permission to be me also...because I have allowed Him to be God...I did not prepare an evangelistic, avoid hell at all cost message to get to them while they are weak...I tried to tell them that God loves them with a lavish love, and He is who we run to when we just do not get life...

Yep...I am a shepherd...I love my sheep...and my sheep love...Jesus.  Nice.     

Bill

PS One of the things God did during this ordeal was allowed me to have my really big times of grief away from the larger crowds...in my home by myself...in my office right before the funeral, with friends and family praying for me...I think so I could do what was needed for the family.