Thoughts while living in a fog

A friend suggested I write about my journey in life since mom and dad’s passing. I tried…did not go so well. I think it may have helped me some, but nothing I felt was readable. I came to realize it is hard to write…think…lead when you are in a fog. Mentally. That is what it felt like…a thick fog. The kind that if you were driving your car you would feel like you might need to pull over and stop…but where? You cannot stop in the middle of the highway and you are not sure what it looks like on the side of the road. You miss the exit signs because of the fog so you keep moving along. Slowly but moving. Really wanting to get off the highway for a moment…but cannot find your way off. 

Then there is the tired feeling…being exhausted…and yet you still keep moving. Sometimes the tiredness was almost physically painful…you felt like it hurt to move…so you don’t…can anyone say “couch potato”? And we don’t even watch TV! But there was an overwhelming desire…to not move. You live in a fog and you are exhausted. A great combination…especially for a leader to have. Follow me! Where? I am not sure…the fog is thick. Follow me! Where…you are not even moving. Well, it should be easy to keep up then. Soon I will move…soon.

The guilt you end up feeling when you know you are supposed to be leading others and you cannot find strength to lead yourself is off the charts. Romans seven takes new life during this time…what I want to do I don’t do…and what I don’t want to do…that is what I do. I think pastors suffer guilt in an area like this more than other leaders…but everyone goes through similar things…I am  not trying to say mine is worse than yours…just different. If I was leading a business the fog and exhaustion would still have been real…and I would have had to go to work every day. I know. I think as a spiritual leader it becomes difficult when you think everyone is depending on you to be there and to be strong. 

During this time we had at least one family leave our fellowship…people do leave. They did not talk with us but through to the grapevine we heard they did not like the “new direction” the church was going in. I must admit it caught me off guard…I did not even think we were moving and now I find out we have changed direction. Maybe in the fog we were moving. I did not think so. Sooo they leave…and no matter how you cut it…I take the blame. It must be me…what else could it be? This is the struggle…should I have pulled off the road…taken some time away…to be able to let the fog lift? Would that have made a difference? The life of a regular guy…in leadership. 

The strange thing is I thought I was prepared for my parents dying. Really, I did. Mom had been kind of gone for over three years and my dad, the strongest guy I have ever known, was slipping away pretty quickly. I wrote about how they died, dad passing away pretty quickly and then when mom found out he was gone she died within twenty four hours, some of her last words being, “I’m coming dad, I’m coming.” Gone. One week end and both parents gone…I do think the trauma of it all was deeper than I thought at first. Getting the news mom was gone while at my dad’s showing was strange and difficult for sure. Watching my daughter in agony over losing her best friend and not being there with her was awful…and my sister. Awful. Kind of wanted to get angry with mom….really mom…you could not wait another couple of days? But she couldn’t…and I don’t blame her. 

Anyway I thought I was prepared…not so much. Well, I was and I was not…who could be really? So the fog settles in…and you go through the holidays, your first holiday season without your parents. Emotions all over the map. I was able to step back from preaching at the church. Other leaders stepped up and helped out. Then we move into the New Year…and into one of the worst winters on record. Snow…cold…really cold…lots of snow…every Saturday and Sunday. For many this means nothing…for a pastor it means a lot. I would get calls, texts and e mails, “Are we having church?” It had not even began snowing yet…do we or don’t we? Should we or shouldn’t we? We did. But this all added to the fog…thinking about attendance…finances…etc. Dark cloudy days…so cold you did not want to go outside anyway…even if you were not in a fog and tired. 

One of the things that really helped get me through these dark days was definitely God inspired. We begin the New Year as a church family on a 21 day fast, just focusing in the Lord. During this time we send out daily devotions that, in the past, I and a team of writers would contribute writings to be sent out in e-mail form. This year I felt like the Lord wanted me to do the writing and I was not really sure why. We have some very talented people. Now I see it was as much to encourage me as it was to lead the people. At the end of the 21 days I kept writing, short, simple devotions built on God’s word. I did cut it down to five days a week not writing on the week ends. It has had a two fold effect. One it has kept me in a devotional state of mind…each morning, me sitting with the scriptures seeking out what the Spirit is wanting to say…to me…to others. Most are really sparse. I felt like this was not a teaching time, a time to make a point theologically, but a time for connection. With God. So it has kept me connected deeply and quietly when I felt like I could not see two inches in front of my face. So even on Sundays I could speak out of an overflow of my heart not a deficit. Not re-hashing old messages just to get by. 

The second effect is that even in my foggy state of mind I could still pastor my friends. I could share my devotions with others…and let them in on this journey with me. I know everyone does not get the e-mails or even if they do will read them but many do. I get feedback that lets me know they are connecting…even from people who are not part of this body but have visited or see them on Facebook. God moves in mysterious ways…and by this simple discipline of writing a devotion the fog has begun to lift. I have my prayer people praying for me…I have family support…and I know God still moves in and around me. Nice. Without this writing I would have slipped into a deeper depression I think…I would have lost my early morning time with God. I would have. But instead of me trying harder God moved closer…much better. I could come get a drink and then share it with friends. It has been a good thing…a real good thing.

You know, as a pastor in a fog, no one hits a pause button on life…saying we will wait for you to get out of the fog before we tell you the wheels have come off our marriage. Or we are moving…or leaving…not you it is us. People don’t stop having hard things happen to them…family members dying…losing jobs…getting sick. Life still happens. No one says, “ I bet Bill is still struggling with grief…maybe that is why we seem to be moving in a new direction.” Nope…just good bye…well not even that. Just gone in 60 seconds. I know people leave the church…every day…I can tell myself that. Does not help much. 

If this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, I am not really. I can introduce you to many friends who have had much harder things than this happen to them. Much harder. It is not that. I just want to say I think, well I know, the fog is lifting. It does lift. It tries to come back but it cannot stay as long as it would like. Energy comes back too, though I have never been an over energized person anyway;) 

          

I am coming out of the fog and I know when I do come out I will be a different person, pastor. I love it where Jesus says, “The Father is always working.” He is always working…on me and you. He is not working in me because He is disappointed in me or I am such a mess He is embarrassed by me. He works in me because He loves me…deeply. One last thought and i know this is much longer than I like to write. Worship. Worship helped me along the way. To be able to worship with friends on Sunday was life giving. God met me over and over again in worship. The fog lifted as I worshipped. It might come back…not during worship. It may have been selfish of me at times but I would let worship go on and on because I could be in His presence again. Like in the mornings but different. I think because many of my friends were there with me…and it was safe. 

Anyway there some thoughts form a regular guy… 

wisdom, courage and kindness...word for today's leaders

The National Director (not a real fancy title is it?) of our Association of churches delivered a message to the leaders of the Vineyard a few weeks back in St. Louis. Barb and I heard the message again in Sunbury, Ohio at a conference there.  As we listened to the message it became obvious this was a very timely, prophetic word to the Church...not just our Vineyard tribe but even the larger Church needs to hear it. 

Some background material, Phil Strout, the National guy, told us that the Lord had given him three prayers to pray in his life. The first one he prayed for about eleven years and the next one twenty plus. As He and his wife assumed the national role the Lord woke him up and said he had another prayer for him to pray. The Spirit told him he would need to pray for three things in this next season of life. That sounded fair enough and he asked the Lord what that would be. The Lord said he would need to pray for wisdom, courage and kindness as he moved forward. I know as you first read these words we might say, “Of course we need to pray for that...well the kindness thing seems a little out of place. But wisdom...courage sure.” But that is the beauty and wisdom of the whole message. Wisdom but no courage or even courage but not wisdom really does not make much of an impact...especially for a leader. Then kindness wraps it up in a package that communicates the Lord’s message so well. Who is not tired of angry faces and words depicting who the church is?

Sure, in Phil’s role as a national leader this makes sense but I think it is an important word for any level leader today. We are seeing whole denominations bow to the culture...exchange the truth for a lie. Calling evil good and good evil. Leaders by the hundreds are taking non-biblical stances to appease those around us, as if that would win them over. Wisdom, courage and kindness is exactly what will be needed to journey in and communicate with a culture that is bent on defying God and His way of life. I know of leaders in our own tribe caving to the pressure thinking it is the kind thing to do, to be accepting and affirming. Paul says, “God’s kindness leads us to repentance.” not acceptance. 

Phil referenced Joshua 3:1-5 as he talked about all the Lord had showed him. One thing to point out, this was not a light hearted word the Lord delivered to Phil. He laughs some now but as he received it it was heavy word that he did not share with Jan for a few months. Joshua three is when the children of Israel are preparing to enter the promise land and the Lord gives Joshua some directions on how to go. The priests and the Levites would lead carrying the ark of the covenant, which is the Lord’s presence. He told Joshua to stay back a little to keep an eye on the ark to know where to go. Verse 4 says, “Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before.” The key message...Phil, you have never been this way before. Key message to the Church...Church you have never been this way before. What would we need to go, to lead, in a place we have never been before? Wisdom, courage, and kindness. 

In Joshua one the Lord tells Joshua to be strong and courageous, then he amps it up a bit and says to be strong and “very” courageous. That makes you pause a moment doesn’t it? But Joshua also had this promise from the Lord, “As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you or forsake you.” Josh.1:5  You really have to know the faithfulness of this God we have been called to follow...to be able to lead others in their journey with God. Courage...not heroism or bravery...courage. John Wayne, that great theologian, said, “Courage is being scared to death, but still saddling up.” (OK i am not sure this fits or not but I liked it!) Maybe courage is just knowing Who has your back...or Who is out in front. I suspect as a pastor it is knowing Whose Church it really is. Whose word it really is. Who stands behind it all. This is not a time for the Church to bow to culture like it is cultures lap dog! (Phil said this too...I like it.) I am not advocating picking a fight...I am saying let’s trust Jesus when He said the gates of Hell would not prevail against His church. Let God be true and every man a liar…in Joshua 1 as God is giving Josh instructions His main message was “stay true to the word.” “Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night.” Josh.1:8  I am sorry, well not really, but this is what I see so many doing…leaving behind the words of God to make culture happy.

for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her. Prov.8:11 Wisdom is a precious gift to the church...James says to ask for it...Paul says Jesus has become our wisdom...Proverbs is all over wisdom. I think at times operating with wisdom would mean asking better questions and listening more intently. I find reading the Gospels inspiring when I see the questions Jesus asks at just the right time. Sometimes His questions just quiet all the commotion around Him...shuts down His accusers. Sometimes the questions lead the person to the answer they were searching for and maybe did not even know it. In the garden God calls out to Adam,”Where are you?” It was meant to bring Adam out into the light...then a series of questions happen...to help Adam see what has happened. 

Jesus asked brilliant questions...and did give wise answers. In the time and season we live in, to respond, “The Bible says.” brings derisive responses...outside the church...and in. I am not saying we back away from the scripture but we need to lean into it and know it and faithful to it. Jesus lived it from the inside out. Yes He could quote it…but He also lived it. We need to be able to communicate to a people who do not believe in the scriptures the truth of the scriptures. Proverbs 1:20,21 “Wisdom calls aloud in the street, she raises her voice in the public squares; at the head of the noisy streets she cries out, in the gateway of the cities she makes her speech.”  

Wisdom has a voice...makes some noise...tries to get our attention. Will we listen? We will attempt to hear? In a time when knowledge is glorified wisdom is needed. I have watched attempts by many to use tools of secularism to reach the culture. Business models and such...not all bad...until those practices take precedence over scripture. Then it goes bad. Some of my peers are now taking positions that cannot be supported by scripture...so scripture is explained away. I have to ask...if the church and its‘ leaders don’t place a high value on scripture...who will? Paul said he “became all things to all people.” and I don’t think he meant he discarded scripture to reach everyone...I think he discarded religion. 

God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance? Rom.2:4  Kindness...not to be confused with being nice. I can remember reading a statement from John Wimber and I do not have it exact but in a time when he was getting a lot of criticism he reminded others, “Our brother is never our enemy.” To be heard and to live with wisdom and courage in this season will take the kindness of God in our words and deeds to be heard and seen. In a culture that screams at you how tolerant it is...we know it is not. When debate has been handed over to bullying it will take radical kindness to reach others. We are not conservative talk show hosts whose job is to talk over the other opinion and try to overwhelm them with our volume of words and sound. As Steve Sjogren has said...it will take a Conspiracy of Kindness.  

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. Prov.15:1

Folks...the prayer God gave Phil is not for him alone...it is for all of us. Whatever our role is in the Church...it is going to take wisdom, courage and kindness to be able to point people to Jesus. I cannot remember a message that has so stirred me like this one has...I hope the leaders in our tribe who heard it will pass it on...duplicate it. I know I have only given a small glimpse in...so much more to be said...and heard. 

Courage will allow us to stand in the face of a culture demanding we bow to it…wisdom will give us the questions to ask and the answers to give…kindness will allow it to be heard. When you read those verse in Joshua three as Joshua works through the crowd of people he says “Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.”  Josh.3:5  Who does not want to see God do amazing things among us? Then let us lead with wisdom, courage and kindness…and see what the Lord will do among us. 

If anyone would like to hear the message in its fullness you can go on the Champaign/Urbana Vineyard website click on the tab take the best and go and then click on the one with Phil’s name in it and watch Phil deliver it in January or go on the Sunbury Vineyard website and listen to it.   

   

      

I Am Sorry…And Then I am not!

Wow! We just got back from a conference that was a Vineyard sponsored event. Off the charts good...and I do not even like conferences...Barb makes me go! This was different. I knew much prayer and hard work had gone into this conference. There was anticipation that God would do amazing things here..power stuff...and reconciliation stuff. I knew the teams heart was to invite the Holy Spirit back to the center of the movement...not off to the side...out of the picture. He has been kind of an after thought...oh if you asked we could say He was right front and center...but really He was treated like the relative you like but knew he might offend others. Some will accuse me of longing for the “good old days” and that could be true...they were fun. I suspect it is more wanting to be a part of the “good new days.” 

 I am not after “manifestations” either...I mean I never fall down, shake or quake. I cry some...but as people of His presence I know when He is moving. I do want Him to move among us...I do think being cool is on its way out...and being real is coming back to the forefront...authentic. I have been reminded of a couple of things I heard or read John Wimber say. One was, “Can I have my Church back?” which is quite sobering. Another was, “I have seen your ministry...would you like to see mine?” Both of these statements moved John powerfully...as they would any leader...or should. I suspect for every leader this sounds and looks differently...plays out different...but they are still valid questions. 

A few months ago I wrote blog kind of calling my tribe on the carpet for drifting away from the “main and plain” of scripture. I was critical of our new leadership for what they put out as “talking points” but they were not talking points. They wrote a clarification on where we stood on the LGBT subject...and in my boldness I criticized them...and I was wrong. Really wrong. I have had friends reach out to me and tell me how they had appreciated the stance our leaders took and I had to sit back and rethink my statements..and I came to this conclusion...I was wrong. I hate being wrong...well not really hate...I am wrong enough I know what I need to do when it happens. Admit it...and apologize. I do apologize to our leaders who have worked hard to form a biblical stance on a very politically hot subject. They do so knowing they will be criticized more than thanked...accused of being unloving and legalistic...of not having the heart of Jesus on this matter. They did it...they are still doing it. So I want to take a moment and say thanks...now I know on this small blog it won’t make a huge splash...and most of them won’t even know I said it...I will. Maybe 30 or so others. 

I am sad that we are even having this kind of discussion at this early juncture of our existence. I think our National leaders feel that sadness also...why are we here? I, and this is my own thought, suspect that when we moved from being a presence driven movement to a more acceptable, calmer, brainy movement...it was only a matter of time. We had moved away from a stance of “come Holy Spirit” to one of...I better stop. I really do not want to be critical...I love my tribe...and I only want the best. 

I suspect my disappointment from the letter our leaders sent out was I was looking for a more defined statement of “those who don’t believe like this are out!” Fortunately our leaders are a bit more gracious than that...but still clear enough that we can know where we stand on this touchy subject. A friend of mine in town led his church out of the ELCA (Lutheran) denomination after the denomination decided to move away from scripture and to become more accepting. What he would tell his church family is,”The denomination changed, we did not.” I am watching a collision about to happen and my advice to the leaders who have changed their mind concerning the LGBT question, “You changed, we did not.” 

Bonhoeffer wrote this, “Do not try to make the Bible relevant. Its relevance is axiomatic. Do not defend God's word, but testify to it. Trust to the Word. It is a ship loaded to the very limits of its capacity." For the last 15 years I have heard the cry to make ourselves and the scripture relevant...I get it...but what do we sacrifice at the altar of relevance?  I was listening to Tim Keller recently on a podcast and he said this concerning the call of Jesus to us. He said, “When you run into the real Jesus and the real gospel it shocks us in two ways. It demands more than you thought and it offers more than you thought.” We live in a time where we see no demand from Jesus...we say yes...pray the prayer...live the way we want to. No demands...and so it does not offer much either.

Keller points out the story of the rich young ruler...give it all up and start over. We think well that is one story. How about Nicodemus...you must be born again...what? How could that happen? Isn’t it the same story? Give up what you think is working for you...because it is not working...and come to me. How did I get here from there? To be relevant today...we sacrifice the amazing message of Jesus and what He offers...and demands. Why do we desire to make this life safe for people? Why do we bow at the altar of relevancy or being culturally current? Shouldn’t we of all people know to Whom we bow? Are we in such a difficult time with culture that God is overwhelmed? 

I am grateful for our National Director...and I pray for him...and the board. I hope as a movement we can get back to the main and the plain of scripture. I hope we rediscover Wimber’s favorite prayer...well right after “HELP!” Come Holy Spirit...come Holy Spirit. 

Bill  

             

Maybe I think too Much

I love the whole Church...I really, really do. I try not to belittle how others go about church but I know at times what I believe to be real can come through in a negative way. I despise that really...if I make a comment it is not to disparage or to discredit but to challenge, as I have been challenged. If we are not being challenged we may be in trouble because I am sure we are not doing all things perfectly. 

I was out walking the other day and I began thinking about a wedding Barb and I were attending. We met three or four couples that evening that we knew from prior church experiences and the others were people that our friends a the table knew from their prior church experiences. We were all from different charismatic type churches and we are still in that type of expression. As I thought about it was kind of odd as every couple that we connected with somehow of course the question would come up, “Where are you attending church now?” All of the couples were now in what we refer to as “seeker” churches. Most in the biggest one nearby.  A great church, growing  and expanding. But I find it so interesting that you would kind of go away from a worship setting where there is freedom and the things of the Spirit. I know they will tell me about all the people being baptized and we surely cannot over look that...but still. 

Again please do not read this as a critical essay on the seeker church...it may be more on what the charismatic churches did to to drive these folks away? First I can say this...most of the churches these folks were part of do not exist today. What we experienced back in the day was a lot of young leaders who did not know what they believed and they experimented on many of us. There were some dynamic churches and leaders, don’t get me wrong, but little theological framework for many of them to lead from. So there was a lot of strange things taught and practiced...and much good also. I suppose the bad outweighed the good in many instances. But some of these people were immersed in it and to walk away...just seems strange to me. 

As we came into a more charismatic experience, and I choose these words over “Spirit filled” because I think much of the trouble came from some elitist, divisive terminology. But as we came into the experience the object that captured me was worship...the active, intimate worship of God. I love the prophetic and the practice of all the gifts...for me they all flow from having hearts of worship...His presence...I cannot imagine leaving that behind to attend church. Now I can hear some saying we worship...and I am sure you do...even in our own Vineyard family there are groups that limit worship...time wise...experience wise. Sad. 

I do know that the more seeker church does strive for excellence, as we all should...but I cannot wrap my mind around a program driven body over a presence driven one. I guess I wrestle with “what is the Church?” Is it a Sunday meeting? A building? Is it bound to a personality? Do programs make the church? Does liturgy? I think this is my hearts burden to know “what is the Church?” Micah 6:8, “What does God require of you?” I so wish Jesus or the Father had simply said this is church...this is what I expect. He does not really, although I suspect much of what we do as Church is not really Church. I wish a dialogue could happen where we could sit down and talk about this subject...where we could get together and not defend what we do but look and see what does God require. Do we do church? Or are we the Church? Why the terms clergy and laity? 

We have taken on the task of being presence driven or steered for a lack of a better term. We want His Presence to direct where we are going and what we put our hands to...I suppose that could lead to some programs and it could also lead to stopping some programs. I suspect some of the people I met were driven away by the busyness and demands of those old churches. I do remember being in meetings a lot..lots and lots of meetings. I regret how many times I left my kids with sitters, mostly their grandparents which was a plus. But still...meeting after meeting. Then I saw the whole hierarchy kind of deal going on...titles being handed out or taken away..new titles monthly. A kind of corporate ladder to be climbed...at the cost of family and friends. That was sad for sure. Maybe I do get it. Our heart is to not keep people busy doing things in the church but to give them the freedom to be the church, on the job, in their community and, most important, in their family. 

Now I am drifting...but I do think on this a lot...who are we? Did Jesus leave us here to do a church service? Or does the Church gather to celebrate? Are our times of getting together to win the unchurched? Is every meeting evangelistic? A friend of mine nearby has a church where they are going for all the things of the Spirit God has for them and they are seeing people confess Jesus every week. Is it really either/or? Can’t it both/and? Are we looking for converts? Or disciples? Is there a difference? I understand Jesus never said to anyone bow your head and pray...but we all need a starting point I guess. I told you I had questions! Paul talks of confessing Jesus as Lord...Bonhoeffer ran with what he called the “confessing” church. 

I am not here to promote what we do or how we lead...but I will say we all need to be before God everyday seeking His face and His will. We all know we can do church without Him...that is the scary part of what we do and who we are. I remember John Wimber saying that in one encounter with the Holy Spirit he heard the Spirit say, “I have seen your ministry...would you like to see mine?” (that may not be the exact words) John replied that yes he wanted to see the Lord’s ministry. So do I. I know what I can do...it is not much...I want to see what the Lord will do. 

So, as Paul would write in 1 Corinthians about some following Apollos or Peter or Paul and some even saying they followed Jesus to the point of much division, I don’t want more division or to be seen criticizing another part of the body. I only want to be found doing what the Lord has asked me to do...and do it well. I need the liturgical Church, the emerging church, the seeker church...I need it all...so I can continue to lead where I am called. I learn from all...this is what a leader does I think...I know a follower of Jesus is like this...a student...a learner. At the end of the day don’t we all want to see Jesus ministry? His Church not ours?                     

How Could I have Missed This?

 I have been thinking on this one thought a lot lately...how we can be so close to something we can miss what is going on. When you look in a mirror, depending on what you are looking at is what you see or focus on. If you are looking for an over all view you stand back a bit so you can see more of the image you are checking out. If it is a spot on you face you want to check out you get closer and focus on the spot you want to see. I think this is the meaning of the old phrase, “You can’t see the forest for the trees.” In the middle of the woods you just see the trees nearby...from a hill over looking the woods you can see the depth and width of the forest.    

A leader has to be able to do both I suspect...to look closely at what is going around you, what is near you. Then at times you need to step back and look at everything from a distance...get the bigger picture so to speak. The hard part I think is the timing of it all...some micromanage to such point other leaders around them feel stifled. Then you can be too hands off also...I think I tend to default here, to back off too much. 

Anyway this whole thought process began as I watched my parents pass away. The story goes like this, I know many of you already know but here goes. My mom and dad were married for sixty-three years...sixty three years. Some marriages hardly make sixty-three days and others seem like they have had sixty-three different spouses. This was one man to one woman...for sixty-three years. The last few years have been very difficult for my dad...we almost lost mom three or four years ago but she recovered...somewhat. She remained bed ridden for the last few years and dad was her  care giver. My sisters offered to help or encouraged him to get help but he would say, “We took vows over 60 years ago and we meant them.” So for better for worse...in sickness and in health...‘til death do us part...it was a serious vow they made. 

Dad and I had our moments for sure. He taught me to love the game of baseball but his methods were kind of harsh at times. His temper seemed to flare at really weird times or at least unsuspecting times. I can still remember some name calling and him making fun of my weight. This is what I mean by being too close to the story to see what all was going on around me...maybe the bigger story...well the better story for sure. I think as I grew older and I sought healing I focused on the negative a lot. Old wounds were close to the surface. I remember one time being on vacation with friends and Stacy and Ian were with us. We were riding bikes together and I had Ian on the back of mine...and he was not pedaling! We crossed this bridge which was kind of narrow and had a sharp turn as we approached the street. As we got to the top I stopped not knowing there was another couple coming up behind us. They got a little angry and were muttering...loudly as they passed by. Then they said something about us being stupid...stupid! A trigger. Not a good word. I came unglued and if I could have gotten free from our crowd I am not sure what would have done. Being called stupid as a kid leaves a mark...a deep one. 

So I think I had these trees in my face...and I could not see the forest around me...the story I grew up in. I never suspected at all I was surrounded by a love story...oh sure they were married a long time but a real love story? My dad passed on a Saturday morning in a care facility as my sister was coming to be with him. Really he went quickly...we thought we had some more time but we did not. He knew he was going and I really think he resigned himself and went. My mom was in the same facility but in another room and she did not know he was gone, although looking back now I think she knew way before we did he was pretty sick. So she was kind of preparing to go too...we did not recognize this either. On Monday, dad’s 89th birthday, my sister told mom he was gone...she repeated what Diane said and then did not say much more. The next day we got word mom was slipping away now...really! Again we thought we had more time...we needed more time. At dad’s viewing we got a call...mom had passed. My Aunt Barb was with her, her oldest friend, as she went home. The nurse said she would sing “Home on the Range” and “Jesus Loves Me” and then say, “I’m coming dad, I’m coming.” Then laid her head in my aunts hands and went...to dad...to Jesus. Twenty-four hours after finding out dad was gone...she went...to join him. 

Dad had fought to keep her alive when she got sick and as she recovered...he would not let her go. I really think he kept her here...and when he left it was OK for her to go too. Rarely apart for 63 years they would not stay apart either...‘til death do us part. Mom he was only gone twenty-four hours! Couldn’t you have given is at least a week to get through dad’s funeral? What kind of story is this? Did I really miss for most of my sixty-two years what really was right in front of me? I mean everyone loved mom...what was said at her funeral was she had this amazing gift of making everyone feel like they here her favorite or her best friend. Dad was little more prickly...well a lot more really. On the other hand we all knew if we needed anything he would drop what he was doing to give you a hand. I cannot tell you how many times I would be working on a car of mine and he would wander over and give me a hand. And they go down in the grandparents Hall of Fame...they baby sat for quite a few kids and all of them adopted them as grandparents also. 

I think as one in the middle of the story I missed the essentials of the story...I could not see the forest for the trees. I think of the disciples as they hung out with Jesus...they all came with their ideas of what He should be about and what He should do. They had a different view of the end of the story than He did. He tried to tell them...but they could not see...they could not see the love story unfolding right in front of them. We can see it now...from a distance...from a different vantage point. I can now see my mom and dad’s story, love story, better and more clearly. It is still confounding and amazing...but becoming more clearly every day. “I’m coming dad, I’m coming.” Love kept them together, love kept her alive, love let her go home...to be with dad...and Jesus. 

In this world of smart phones and tablets all making little noises letting you know you have a text or an email, where it is hard to get away or to back up to see more clearly what is going around you I hope we will all slow down and look around us. Is there a Frank and Evelyn type love story nearby that you might be missing? Are our bruises and pains from life so large we cannot see the glories of heaven all around us? Are we so busy looking for the next big thing the best thing is being overlooked? 

I have prayed for years to see what God sees...I think there is a big lesson for me here...maybe I am not even looking in the same direction as He is. Maybe...I need to back up and get a better view...maybe...how about you?  

         

Singing Off Key

Oh man...Dave said it has been since July since I wrote anything for the blog. I do not do well just trying to get something down to put out there. I did write a couple of things I might put out after some adaptations to them. They are personal and I am not ready to share some of that yet. During this time my father-in-law passed away and we have had to place both my mom and dad in a nursing facility to get them the care they need. Lot so of stress but I so admire my siblings. My sisters have done an incredible job caring for mom and dad until it was impossible and my brother, Frank, really stepped up to help also. They are really amazing. 

As I sat down to put some thoughts down it amazes me how the Lord will put us in places or situations that help us face our stuff...our issues. Then as we do step up He gently nudges us forward to places and situations to see if anything has stuck. If our healing has taken hold, I suppose. For me as I have discovered the voice the Lord has given me it seems like He keeps pushing me out there in uncomfortable places to speak. As I have been writing for a local website I have been challenged to keep writing...speaking. I direct my posts primarily to the Church, to challenge and to encourage, and many of the readers are not coming from that perspective at all. Some do....but definitely a different section of the church. 

We are living in times where it seems like the call word of the day is “tolerance.” Can we be tolerant of others? Can you Christians be more tolerant? Kind of a can’t we all get along theme to life. The surprising thing is that the loudest voices crying out for tolerance are...the least tolerant! Oh if you will sing along with them their can’t we all get along song they will be tolerant....but don’t you dare change the words of the song. It could get ugly...well it will get ugly...and quickly. Strange. On one article as the comments rolled in a sweet individual joined the conversation and sang her let’s all get along song. As I sang out of key it got a little tense...strange...the next thing you know...I am not welcome to sing along anymore...no room in the inn for guys like me. You know if you can push some sweet new ager over the edge...you just might be doing something right! TOLERANT! I WILL SHOW YOU TOLERANT! AS SOON AS YOU LEAVE! Dorothy we ain’t in Kansas anymore. 

How do we lead in a culture that tells you in five different ways you are not welcome here? Your kind is not welcome. Hmmm. Land of the free. As long as you know the right words to sing maybe. As I write I am thinking of the children’s song “Jesus Loves Me.” It would be OK to sing this as long as it is the Prophet Jesus or the teacher Jesus you are singing to. Then we have to do something with the line, “The Bible tells me soooo.” Can’t have that can we? Well, I guess you could as long as did not take the Bible literally...we have to remember it is just a story book meant to teach us how to love. Jonah is a fable...Genesis a story...one my favorite lines has been, “Yes I believe in the resurrection...just not literally.” Doesn’t that just kind of stop you in your tracks and wonder what does that mean? So Jonah...Adam and Eve...just made up characters to teach us about life...and Jesus too? Somebody made that all up? Really? 

I do find it humorous that I am writing for something like this website...and people are reading it. Then commenting. Not agreeing with me very much but reading. I kind of feel like an exhibit at a zoo...you know...let’s go see the guy who actually believes the Bible is inspired by God! He is sooo strange. What they really would say is, “Let’s go see this guy who is a literalist when it comes to the Bible!” “He believes the stories inside it...this should be fun. Maybe we could feed him.”  Yeah...that is right...they have labeled me...a literalist. Trust me they do not say this with awe in their voices...it is with sadness You can almost see them shaking their head sadly...thinking that this animal was supposed to be extinct...but there is one left. How sad. Now I know I am not a real literalist because if I were I would have one eye plucked out and one hand chopped off for sure...and who knows what else? But in the culture we live in believing the scripture for anything is taboo. It is being reduced down to a collection of fables for good living...and should be on the shelf with other sources of enlightenment. 

So the point here is...well one of the points here is...a couple of years ago I felt like God gave me my voice back. That after years of being shut up and feeling like what I have to say does not matter He has put me in a place to speak. Odd thing is for me I never would have seen myself speaking to this crowd...let me talk to other Christians but not to the Buddhists, agnostics, Bahai, and liberals. Please not me. I do feel like Moses here...I don’t speak all that well...I will stutter...I am not that deep...and I will get angry! Then I sense Him asking me, “Why did I give you your voice back then? To be safe? To be quiet?” As I go through this whole deal I stay humbled because I know I am over my head in so many areas. That at an elementary level I am rejected...because of Him...well He is being rejected...and I have a birds eye view. 

He never sends us places He does not go with us...He never asks us to do anything He has not already done...He did not give me my voice back...to remain silent. How can you not love a savior like this? How can you not serve a God that cares so deeply? 

Last week I was close to shutting up...shutting down shop. Someone asked me about the line of casting my pearls before swine...I suppose I could make it fit here...but I can also make Paul’s words fit here...4 But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them? 15 And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is why the Scriptures say, “How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news!”Romans 10:14,15                   

Listen friends...they want you to stop singing...but our song brings light and life...we have to sing...if not the rocks and hills will take our place. I am an introvert...I am not seminary trained...I am bald.Yet God gave me a voice...I will use it.

Wet Leadership Lessons

I was talking with a few friends recently about how they were doing and the rough time they had been going through at their church. The main guy is a great communicator/speaker, his wife is a gentle pastor and his main associate is an extremely gifted and loyal guy. You would never suspect they could be facing what they are facing...then you hear more of the story. One of a good leader hearing too many voices on how to lead...and he got lost in the noise...he began leading trying to keep others happy.  

Reminded me of the time we were finishing the last leg of our week of motorcycling on the Blue Ridge Parkway. We were an hour or two our from our home and Ray said I should lead us to the house. From there they might go on or spend the night and then head on in the morning. It was an easy leading assignment...it was my home...we were on a highway not back roads. Really it was just riding in front of Ray and Carol. How hard could that be? YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED!

As we got closer to home (nice title of my favorite Grand Funk song...sorry) the weather began to change especially in front of us. We stopped and gassed up and I suggested maybe we stop there and wait it out...Ray said we could press on. (thought I was leading:) So off we head...right into a storm. Now this is the hard part...I was leading but I was also wondering how Ray would lead here...what would he do? (WWRD) I was thinking we should stop but I didn’t want Ray to think I cannot lead...it is not fun getting wet on a bike. I mean the sky was ugly and menacing and it was obvious it was going to rain...sometime. I kept looking in my mirror to see if maybe Ray would wave me over...yeah I am leading...kind of. No wave. So we kept going forward...that is what a leader does...goes forward. Right? 

Now to top it off we had called ahead and talked to my daughter and she told us it was raining. But we were not sure I guess. Then it happened. The skies opened up and down came the rain. Cars were pulling over...not us. WWRD was my main thought...even as it felt like I was about to drown on my bike. How embarrassing would that be...”Man Drowns While Riding Motorcycle!” The Toledo Blade would have been all over it. I can hear them interviewing Ray...”Well I wondered why we did not stop...but Bill was leading.” Sure Ray, throw me under the bus! 

The point really is this...you cannot lead if you are looking over your shoulder wondering if everyone following you is happy. Happeh, happeh, happeh. Does not work. You go crazy. You are trying to think about what they are thinking. Instead of leading you are trying to keep people happy...so they will follow as you lead. This was my friends situation...the one at the beginning at the story. He had others correcting him and threatening...to stop following him. In the end that is what they did anyway...and they took many with them. Now we can blame them and they get some blame for sure. But like when I was on the bike...I knew we should stop...and I did not. I knew what should be doing but once I stopped leading and began following from up front...we were going to get wet. We sure did. 

I am not talking like we don’t need feed back...there is wisdom in a multitude of counsellors...if I had stopped and consulted with Ray and Carol I might have found we were on the same page. Instead I tried to think for both of us...not good. I am not mind reader...sometimes I am not sure what I am thinking! 

My friends have been hurt badly...maybe we could say they got soaked. On a motorcycle the worst thing you could do is spend more time looking behind you or to the side than looking straight ahead. You need to look ahead to see the traffic or the clouds ahead. What is behind you really cannot get you like what is in front of you...and you are leading. I just heard of a guy riding his bike on the turnpike and he looked down at something and when he looked up...traffic was stopped. He was not. He walked away...hurt...his bike totaled...stuff happens.

I know there will always be many voices behind us and around us to help us. Some will help...but some won’t. You have to discern...and that means you have to know you are leading...or not.