The other day I remembered an incident from a motorcycle ride a few years back and for some reason it has stuck with me.  It was Barb and my first long ride with a group and on the last day as we were heading home we had to ride out in a heavy rain. We stopped for breakfast hoping the rain would let up but it would not. So we headed out...three bikes heading home after a great week of riding. Of course Barb and I had the worst rain suits ever and the other tried to talk Barb into tying plastic bags over her shoes to keep her feet dry. Come on. No one looks cool with plastic bags tied to your feet...even Barb. So she refused. 

Well, we left out and it was raining and on the highways you get lots of spray off the cars and trucks around you. It was wet...and not real comfortable feeling...little scary I suppose. Somehow I ended up leading the pack through a downtown interstate area and we got beside a truck and we had to decide whether to pass or not. So I am leading...wondering what the others would like to do. Pass? Stay? Pass? Stay? No way to ask. Now I begin to feel the pressure to lead...I am uneasy. Water spraying, rain falling, road wet. WHAT DO I DO? 

I decided to pass the truck...on the right side...in at least three lanes of traffic. The cool thing about being on the bike is no one can tell I am scared. All looks the same from behind me I suppose. Even Barb cannot tell. So I go for it. The good news is we made it just fine...and even if I had wet myself no one could tell because I was soaked anyway! But I was really tense going around the truck. I might not have done it if we had been by ourselves but with others following expecting you to lead...you go. 

I read this the other day: Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.  ~Dan Rather. Dan is not a guy I will probably quote a lot and I am not saying it took courage to pass...but as a leader I find myself leading even if I am not feeling the bravest at the time. People are following...you either lead or get out of the way. I remember on mission trip we had a young high school guy with us working and he did everything slow. Now he was a great guy to have on the trip but he was not a sprinter for sure. We were carrying paint supplies into a building we were going to paint and he was in front of me carrying some items and I was right behind him carrying a bag of cement mix. He was moseying along and finally I said, “Anthony, either speed up or step out of the way.” He started to speed up...then shrugged his shoulders and moved over so I could pass. Great memory for me. 

I have felt the poking or prodding from others as they wait to see if I will lead. I have also felt the poking and prodding from the Lord to see if I will lead or not. His is gentle prodding for sure but still there with persistence.  God is the only One who really knows when we are afraid to lead and He is the only One we can count on to go with us as we lead. Others may not go...He will. The angel of the Lord came to Gideon and said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.” Gideon is hiding in a cave! Mighty warrior! You have to appreciate the Lord’s great kindness to call to us as He sees and knows us not how we see and know ourselves. Being afraid does not disqualify you from leading...it means you are human. Does the fear lock you up...do you hear the voice of the accuser reminding you how big of a chicken you are? Do you hear our own voice telling you you cannot do it? Do you hear the lies from your past saying you have always been a coward. What makes you think anything is different now?

I love being around people that seem to be fearless. Nothing is a problem. No problem is their favorite answer...we can take that hill! (or whatever they are going after) Well maybe I don’t really love it...but I am fascinated by it...appreciate it when I see it. So different from my wiring it can be confusing to me and I can get offended by and I begin to accuse them of not having humility...not true at all, just me. I guess when I write I am writing for the leader like myself...that is not John Wayne. For every very confident leader there is another leader God has called and is looking for the confidence to put one foot in front of the other. To keep moving at all. I am not sure one is better than the other but I do know this...who God calls He will equip. If God chooses to use you or me in a leadership role He will not only send us out...He will go with us!

Gideon threw out fleeces to God...if this is you do this...or this...or that. I think it came to the point where God would bypass Gideon’s asking and just say, “If you need to know more do this...or listen to that.” I do not do a lot of fleecing but I do a lot of talking...to God.  

The challenge we all will face is if He has called you to lead then you must lead. It is simple obedience. He is not sending you or me out to fail...but He is sending us out...to lead. I know you did not pursue a title or some position...He chose you...He pursued you. I think we all have to put ourselves in a place to hear the Father say, “Hey there mighty warrior, I am with you.” 

Yep! I was afraid that day on my bike...not a big deal really...but it is a reminder that to walk on water you have to push fear back, look at Jesus, and get out of the boat. Either God is who He says He is or He is not. Either He is with us or He is not. I am meditating on something AW Tozer once said: The most important thing you think is what you think about God..” (might not be an exact quote) I am thinking that as a pastor one of the things others want to know from me as a leader is just that...what do I think about God. It will show up in our leading...or lack thereof. 

So all of my chicken friends out there...let’s lead through the fear of failure...through our weaknesses...because if you are leading...someone is following. I have an acquaintance nearby, another pastor who teaches spiritual formation primarily to pastors. What he does to start each session is send the class out with the 23rd Psalm and a notebook and pen and instructs the class to read and listen. You know if you struggle with much fear as a leader I really would recommend you doing the same. Become very familiar with this Psalm...and what God would say to you through it. Good stuff. 

Bill

Oh boy...a new year...2013 Funny. I was trying to think back to when I would have begun noticing the new year...probably about the time I entered school. Until then who cared...but when you started school then you had to put the date on papers and such. So I would guess I began noticing about 1957...ouch! That is a loooooong time ago. It was a good year for Chevy I guess, and a good year to head to first grade. So then I head into high school in the ’60’s...the turbulent 60’s. Did not seem all that turbulent to me...I think you begin to assume assassinations and mobs burning down cities were kind of normal. Didn’t that happen all the time? Viet Nam...did not really want to participate in that...aren’t never ending wars normal? I was busy trying to find a girl friend, make it to the big leagues as a baseball player, and not to flunk out of school. So the 60’s did not seem at that weird to me...great music for sure. I went to Woodstock...the movie. 

So the 70’s and I decide to follow Jesus...the Jesus movement was in full swing...I think I got swept in by that move, but in reality I was saved in a small, country church that was full of people from Kentucky, Alabama, West Virginia and other parts south. I was in the minority as far as not having an accent...or maybe I had the accent. So while many were coming to Jesus in cool places where hippies gathered and rock music was played...I was hearing hell fire preaching 3 times a week...blue grass music by whoever was not back-slidden that week...and wearing leisure suits. Yep leisure suits...platform shoes...that’s enough of that.

The 80‘s were our really big church age I think...no more listening to music with a beat. That is the devils music...only Christian music played here...became a charismaniac....lots of fun and weird. Church got weird in more ways than one. Cultish at times. 

90’s found us being introduced to Vineyard....should have ran I guess. Did not...now look at where I am! I need to say this, when we discovered the Vineyard it was like finding out family...our tribe. I am quite sure only the Vineyard would have said yes to Barb and I planting a church. I was a factory worker looking forward to retiring one day and doing what ever God wanted...THEN...not now. I am so grateful for guys like Danny Meyer and Rich Nathan telling us to go for it when it really did not make much sense for them to agree to it. So mid 90’s planting our Vineyard.

Then the turn of the century...2000...Y2K. Who could ever forget Y2K? I could...what a bunch of hype...and much of it from the church. I can remember a young man asking me when was I going to start warning the congregation about the impending doom of Y2K. I think I said I would do something the first week end in January of 2000...he thought that might be a bit late. It was fine. Now I need to let you in on one of my funny Y2K moments. The one thing I did do was but some extra gas for around the house. About 30 gallons in five six gallon cans. I thought maybe we should have some extra gas around if gas station computers crashed...and also I would have plenty for my lawn mower for the summer. Well, nothing happened and one day in my garage I stumbled on one my of my gas cans and it slid across the floor empty. Huh? So I kicked another one...empty. All five cans...empty. I scratched my head and wondered what had happened. Then I knew what had happened. My son had happened. Since the cans were sitting there full and Y2K had passed he assumed the gas was up for grabs. All of it! I told him he had to refill the cans. I think I got one can filled back up. He is a smart one.

So now we are passing into to 2000 teens...2013. I am 61 years old...61 and a half Dave tells me. Been on the calendar since 1951. Back in the 60‘s, the decade not my age, 61 was ancient. Really, really old. Now it just seems...old. Following Jesus for over 40 years and it still seems like I am a beginner. Married to my best friend for 40 years...still trying to be a better spouse. Two grown kids...six grandkids...amazing! I could not imagine myself in 1957 as a grandparent...or even having a girl friend. 

I guess as I write today I am thinking there was nothing in the my past that would have pointed to me being here, doing what I do today. Never went to church as a kid, ever. Really was not a leader in school though I was elected Sgt. at  Arms of my Senior class, more popularity than leadership skills. I remember being picked to captain the football team one game...I froze...could not even call out heads or tails. Leader? Not so much. When I surrendered to Jesus I think God began preparing me and Barb for leadership down the road. We served in every role in the church imaginable...bus ministry...Sunday school teacher...choir director (no kidding)...cleaning the church. Whatever needed to be done...we did. That is the way I thought it was supposed to be. I think early on I suspected God could call us to pastor...as an assistant or something like that. In our church life we have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly and it has helped form us to lead the way we lead. What we saw good we could hold onto but other stuff we would run from...manipulation...not knowing what you believed...control.etc. We said no way. 

Have we been perfect leaders...no...not even close. But Danny Meyer told us long ago, “Build a church you would want to go to and others will want to go there also.” I have had lots of good advice over the years but that has been a cornerstone to what we do. May sound selfish but I have friends that pastor churches they do not like and would not go to if they did not work there. Sad. So happy New year to you and me...it has been a long journey for sure...I have seen so much...assassinations, school shootings, planes flying into buildings, people blowing buildings up, multiple long wars. The Jesus movement...the charismatic movement...laughed through Y2K...Toronto blessing...wept as friends died too young...a lot of stuff. My hope is that in all of it God was able to shape and build things into me that help me as a leader. Life shapes us...it can beat us down and defeat us or it can make us to be the leaders and people God has intended for us to be. We choose. I choose to be clay in the hands of the potter...how about you?                       

Merry Christmas! Doesn’t it feel like we just said this a week ago? Now I am beginning to understand the old adage of being over the hill. It is not so much that a person is declining in usefulness but everything has sped up. Now I do sound old!

Once again, Barb has given the order to write a Christmas letter, so here I go. 

Barb and I know we live in many blessings...our children and grandchildren are close by...

really close and we are so blessed by that. 

Stacy is still working at Springfield schools, running a class for those who are expelled from school to try to help them keep up on their work; she continues to teach workout classes for the Y; and she is one of our church’s great worship leaders...just saying. One of Eric’s former students and track athletes, Eric Kynard, won a silver medal in the Olympics this summer. That was cool. Stacy’s oldest, Ian, sits with us every Sunday for worship and that is so much fun; He is becoming a first class drummer. I didn’t see that coming! Eric’s oldest, Bradley, is still working on becoming a basketball star and is doing quite well in that quest. Will, the youngest, is...well he is...he is Will!. He loves anything with a ball. I even took him the driving range a couple of times this summer. He and his cousin Jace are best friends, most of the time, and love to play with cars together. 

Corey is still working with Ford and has moved to a different area that draws from some of his tool and die skills. Nichol is home schooling Evelyn and Cole, and I am sure that is keeping her busy. Corey and Nichol are expecting baby boy number 3 in January...keep the grandkids coming is what we always say!  Our kids are our greatest source of pride...Corey and Stacy are awesome...and the grandkids are even more awesome!  Evelyn is still our red head, beautiful, little princess with an amazing smile. I think she has some of her mom’s artistic abilities which result in some great drawings from her. Cole is doing well in school and I think is going to be like his dad with skills to build things; to be able to look at a problem and solve it; and to be a real helper. Jace, who I mentioned earlier, is a three year old who is sure he is at least ten. Not much fear in him.

Barb and I had lots of fun this past year...too much for one letter. We did a motorcycle trip with five other pastor couples down the Blue Ridge Pkwy, and it was a blast. Fun rides and great fellowship! She and I also did a ride to Green Lake, WI by ourselves for a retreat and then a 40 year anniversary celebration. We both said the whole trip was one of the most fun times ever...and we have had lots of fun over 40 years. Also jammed into our lives this year were our mission trips. Barb spent a little over two weeks in Zimbabwe with four other ladies. It was a spiritual adventure for sure...she took over 400 pictures. (This will be important in a moment.) In November I was able to go to Zimbabwe with a friend, and I too had an incredible trip. We both fell in love with the people and the Church there. And I took...here goes...I took one picture! Barb was not too happy with me, but I figured how many more pictures of Zimbabwe does anybody need? A few more I guess.

Monday evening dinners with our kids are such fun...trips with friends are great...a wonderful church family...we are so blessed to have you all in our lives.

We recently lost a friend, and that makes you realize life is short...just a mist...here today...gone tomorrow. We are grateful for and treasure each moment God has given us.

Have a great Christmas...and an awesome New Year.

Bill and Barb...  

OK then...I have had a strange week or so as I look back and try to embrace leadership.  I was reading on Facebook the other day...and a friend posted...a really smart friend posted and I felt so dumb...so out of my league as a leader of a small area of churches. I swear as  read...he did speak English...but I could not decipher what he was trying to say. Then when I did begin to understand I realized I did not agree...but how does a former factory worker approach a highly educated and intelligent person and disagree? I feel like in my simple approach to God and Jesus and His word and His church whatever I had to say would come out like a kindergarten student debating with the high school captain of the debate team.  It won’t be pretty and all I could hope for would be sympathy points...called another friend and said, “I am outta here!” He talked me off the ledge. (figuratively speaking) All of you who read this and struggle with confidence and self esteem issues know there always seems to be a voice saying, “See, I told you, you can’t do this.” Always. 

I have to admit the voice is not as authoritative as in the past...not as in control as before. We might still hear and begin to listen but then another voice comes in and reminds us we can do this...and we are not alone. In time my hope is the other voice dies of completely...and I will give him a proper burial. 

A couple of Sundays ago, at our worship celebration, I confessed I still struggle with fear of man...hard to lead with that one for sure. Then I had other brave cowards stand with me and we prayed for God to set us free. We prayed for a better view of God.  We prayed to live from Gods’ love for us. I know for myself I had some breakthroughs the next week and I hope the same for my brave friends who stood with me. Now some of you might ask why would I confess something like that to my church family...and I wonder why wouldn’t I? I was struggling to lead...they deserve a better leader...I knew others struggled with the same stuff...and I wanted them to be free from it. As a leader I felt like I had to lead them in this area...I am one of them not above them or way ahead of them. I am on the journey also. And it is always more fun to travel with others!

Then on the positive I had a couple of cool things happen...encouraging words.  Alice, from Zimbabwe e mailed and told me how things were going over there since I had visited. It was all so cool...baptisms happening this week end...stories being told. Then she told me how she has been “leaking” out recently. Now before you jump to conclusions let me explain...if I can. When I was there on a Sunday one of the things I mentioned was out of 2 Corinthians 4 where Paul says, “We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not us.” We are cracked pots...clay jars...not meant to store this amazing power but to let it leak out of our cracks...even to be tipped over and poured out. What spills out is not us but God...His power...His love. So Alice and others have been leaking, allowing God to use them in very naturally supernatural ways. Conversations with some that seem so stand offish. Small touches of kindness that do not seem very big a the time but over the course of time they add up. Cowards like me and Alice...it spurs us on to take more risks. The encouraging thing is to hear stories of people hearing my story or the message God gave me and then running with it. They listened, heard and believed it was true! How cool is that?

 We were with some friends this week having dinner with their small group. The friend began talking about her 16 year old son and a story he told her. First we realized that when they began hanging out at the Vineyard since he was about 3 years old. Other than a few years when they helped with a church plant and then felt lead to help another church in the area of worship they have been with us. (Some of my favorites but don’t tell them) Anyway the son is taking voice lessons and after one of the sessions he told his mom about this conversation he had with his teacher. Somehow they got in a God conversation and the son told his teacher about how the important thing in church is loving God and others...and I am sure much more but this was the gist of it. His mom looked at me and said, “That is you Bill...that is what he has heard over and over.” His teacher e mailed the mom and told her about the conversation also...I do not remember all the details but he was so impressed with how her son confidently carried on this conversation and that he had never had anyone lay it out so simply and clearly. Well, after I brushed the tears out of my eyes I had to say it was such a blessing to hear this story. So encouraged that maybe the next generation will get it done better than we have. So encouraged to know he has been listening...and buying it...getting it. 

I stand back and look...my grandson worshipping and then praying for adults because God told him to. Another young guy leading a small group to head out to the malls to pray for people...sick people...anyone who will let them. A really young girl writing down a vision God gave her to tell her how she will minister to abused children...especially girls. So many signs that even a regular guy can have an impact...could lead...and some will follow. 

It can be so easy to be intimidated by others...those smarter...bigger...with more hair. What I am beginning to see though is this...God is not all that impressed with all that. He is not looking at degrees...He is not looking at positions and titles and being impressed. He is still looking at hearts...for willingness...for servants. Will a person hold onto the truth in scripture or bend it a bit to help culture feel better? Will scripture hold a greater place than mans reasoning?  Will the Church ever influence culture again or will we bend to culture to try to be relevant? It seems to me that at times the Church or rather some of its leaders want to apologize for God and His word and His old fashioned ways. He is quite old you know...always has been...always will be. Old. Ancient. 

I still agree with my young friend...it is about loving God...and loving others.  We can use many big words in between there but that is the story...and loving others might mean having to tell them...it might mean you have to be truthful with them...you just might have to tell them...here goes...you might have to tell them, no you are wrong about that. That breaks God’s heart what you are doing...it breaks His heart. I think it is more loving to tell them the truth...even if it hurts...than to try to make the truth help them feel better about themselves...and leave them living a lie. That never helps.  You know a person can use big, ambiguous words...sound really, really smart...and still be wrong. Yep...that is right...could really be intimidating...and wrong...so little guys in the world...lead on...we need you.                

Get Off the Plane Bill!!

OK so after the plane landed in Zimbabwe...continuing on from last blog...pretty smooth huh? By the way I want you all to know...all 30+ of you reading this...I have an international following. Yep. I do. Readers in Africa...and maybe even Brazil...amazing. Anyway, before I got sidetracked and bragging about my blog, I was going to tell you a little about my trip to Zimbabwe.First of all I know people say the world is getting smaller but sitting on a plane for over 15 hours going and 18 hours coming back it sure does not feel small. Of course I get a seat that will not recline back...so I got the guy in front of me in my lap as I sit straight up, looking forward. All I can say is I am sure my tail bone was bruised by the time we landed in South Africa. I must stop my whining for a moment to thank Carol for getting aisle seats for Ray and I as we traveled...huge blessing...THANK YOU CAROL!!! Though I don’t think she reads the blog I needed to say thanks...someone else can tell her. Maybe Ray will...he reads sometimes...I think just to check up on me...see if I am slipping back into my old grumpy ways.  So where was I? Yeah...going to Zimbabwe. 

Well, my traveling companion and the guy who asked if I wanted to go had a plan for when we got there and that plan had many meetings in it. Many...meetings. I think I am allergic to meetings but I was afraid to let Ray know, so I went along with his plan.  I will meet people...and I will like it...or try. He made a small mistake right away...he said to me, “Bill, if on any of these days you want to do something different from going to one of my meetings...go ahead. Do what you would like to do.” A loop hole if ever I saw one...I tried not to take advantage of it...too much. One day he had an important one on one meeting...since it was one on one not two on one...I went golfing. Who could pass on a chance to golf in Africa? A friend made the arrangements...I was going golfing with a stranger...worse yet he had coached golf at a high school.  Wonderful guy...one of the worship leaders at the church in Harare...awesome story...we had a great time. I golfed incredibly bad even for me...my caddy, yes I had a caddy, kept saying to me, “Don’t worry boss.We are just having fun.” Did not help much but was kind of him.

   When, or if, you struggle with insecurities and self esteem issues you just cannot bring yourself to believe you have much to offer. On this trip I had settled in my heart I did have something to offer...I could just be myself and allow God to spill out where ever He would choose to do so. Let me say this before I go much further, my friend Ray was amazing on this trip in so may ways. Brilliant! First we were meeting with the Vineyard pastors there on Monday and it was going to be a tense meeting...feelings had been hurt...trust was waning...and we were getting together to try to reconcile. It was one of the most God kind of moments I have ever witnessed. Ray and the other leaders talked and listened and apologized and repented where needed.  There was a real sense of honor and respect there.  The churches there have been through so much just like the whole country has been. They have been in a constant season of transition as people leave Zimbabwe after losing everything...or need to move to another community to try to survive. Tough place to lead in for sure...but they do.

Also Ray was to meet, well me also, another group that was a group of young leaders who might want to plant churches for the Vineyard.  Kind of a recruiting trip...and again Ray was on point...relaying what we were looking for and relating it to a dating process...weirded me out a bit but they understood where he was coming from. We met some great people...prayed for many them and drank much tea with them. It was great fun...but I sensed I was there for a little different reason. I really wanted to connect with Bob and Alice and their church family.You might remember Bob and Alice from an earlier blog...maybe not. I could use their real names I suppose but I like the fake names...adds a little suspense don’t you think?  We were staying with another friend, I will call her Pat...well Pat got me hooked up with Bob and Alice real quick. She invited them and her neighbors over for tea...Ray had one of his important meetings to go to, so I had tea with Bob, Alice, Pat and friends. Brilliant, as they would say...loved the time hanging out with all of them. Bob and I had a good chat by ourselves and I was struck as I heard his story. Bob has struggled with taking the reigns here as pastor...the story of how he got the role is so similar to mine...but truth be told...he is a trainer for executives in people skills and management styles...an entrepreneur..really the kind of person we would look for to plant or lead a church. He struggled a bit with being a pastor...leading...but I also sensed he was really beginning to find his footing as a leader and take the role and the calling to heart. As the days went on I had more opportunities to spend time with them and just get to know them.  Alice was such a great hostess, I felt sorry for Ray a little bit...not a lot, just a little. I got fed way better than he did for sure...Alice sent a picture of a sandwich she had made for me to Barb and Barb said I need to cut back or I would not fit in the seat on the plane ride back...not nice. 

So many more stories to tell, I will write more soon but let me wrap this first one up with this thought. Well, a couple of thoughts...one I had a wonderful trip...it was really the first time I had ever gone out on my own without Barb alongside. That is just how we do things...together....unless she goes out on her own:)  A great trip to meet great people.  What I saw was this...I knew it but grew more comfortable with it I suspect...I am a pastor...it is what I love...it is the call on my life. 

Ray has much stronger leadership skills and that is awesome...those skills allowed him to go places and meet people that might have great affect the Church in Zimbabwe. My time with Ray was time well spent...I enjoyed watching and listening...and my time with Bob and Alice...Pat and her neighbors...her sister...hearing her story...praying for her...the twin daughters...and Guido...married to one of the girls and owner of a couple of sweet motorcycles. Victor the golf coach/worship leader and all around great guy. Zechariah..(not his real name either) a young domestic worker who senses a call to do ministry and has many great questions...and so many more. Time really well spent.

These people were not necessarily our target group...Pat was relentless in making sure no one was overlooked or forgotten. Yes, there were leaders to be discovered...and there were others to be listened to...cared about...encouraged to keep on moving forward in the kingdom...healing needed...people set free...relationships began. I realized I was sent to the regular person...not the strong new leader...the regular guys and gals. Some in leadership...some not...but all players in the Kingdom of God. Makes sense...doesn’t it?  Thoughts from a Regular Guy...great title for a blog don’t you think? 

Bill   

Leavin' on a jet plane!

Well, I am getting ready to leave later today for Zimbabwe...not a vacation destination but not a mission trip either.  It is a ministry trip for sure, meeting other pastors, potential church planters, and other ministry leaders. I guess as I sit here thinking it just does not seem real on many levels...me going to Africa?  This guy who lives in the very same neighborhood he grew up in...next door to the house he grew up in...in the house we built 35 years ago and rebuilt 7 years ago...with my daughter and grandkids five houses down the street.  My sister and her family four houses down same street....my son and his family two neighborhoods over...me, I am going to Africa? I spent most of my life working in auto plants...not in executive roles but common jobs...running machines and setting things up. Me...I am going to Africa...with Ray...I think I may get mad at him...he invited me to go. 

 I have been to Brazil and spent days, well weeks on the Xingu and Amazon Rivers and that amazed me also.  I would be sitting on the boat in the middle of nowhere thinking, “How in the world did I get here?” OK, I know a plane or two helped get me there...but how did I get there?  I think I will blame Barb for that one...that usually works...no I will be angry with a couple of guys named Rick...they invited us to go.  Yep...I am ticked at them now!  Really that does not answer the question I have...why am I going to Africa now? Barb is not going and I know she would love to go...I am not sure I “love” the idea of going...anywhere.  I think if it was not for her and my kids I could easily be a hermit...well and my church family...hard to be a pastor and a hermit. I do think I could hide...never leave a spot...never be uncomfortable...just sit and wait for Jesus to come back I suspect.  But noooo...I am going to Africa.  Oh boy.

I am not sure why I am wired like I am...I understand life shapes me and I know I am in a much better place right now than even a couple of years ago. As I sit here and write my thoughts down...tears spring up as I think about not seeing my wife...my kids...MY GRANDKIDS!!...my church family for a couple of weeks. What is wrong with me??? Doesn’t it seem kind of strange? Probably to many of you it does seem strange...maybe I should cancel the trip to go see a shrink...kidding. This is just who I am...and I am OK with that.  I really am not the best dad in the world for my kids or Papa for my grandkids...it is not like I spend every day with them...but I suspect one of the reasons I enjoy being a pastor is this...I love being a dad and grandpa...love it! I will miss my family...so why am I going?

The only explanation I have right now is this from Paul in second Corinthians...”For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died.” It really is the first five words...For Christ’s love compels us...not other reason to go to Africa...to leave an easy factory job with benefits...to sit on a boat in the Amazon...to pour concrete in Mexico...to leave behind those you love the most...His love compels us. His love for me...His love for others compels me to go...to be uncomfortable...to fight feelings of being inadequate...to really believe I carry something with me that can make a difference. His love compels...not dreams of an international ministry...no thoughts of being someone special. My love for Christ...and His Body...that compels me. The thought of encouraging other leaders to continue on and not give up...to lead with joy. That motivates me. He motivates me...when I sense His love for me...how could I not go?  

So what I realize now more than ever...it is not me that anyone in Zimbabwe needs...it is Jesus in me...this is what is needed...so off to the plane I go. I will cry when I think of missing my daughters birthday...missing golf with Corey...dinner with all the kids and grandkids...and I will wonder over and over why God would choose to send me...and I will thrive in the mystery of His love and mercy...it is not about me right now..it is all about Him.

Bill   

PS..By the time this is posted I am back in the states...I wrote as I prepared to leave but did not have time to post.

Shift happens!!

I am going to write a few blogs on the lens I see through...it is changing...but what it can look like to look through the lens of feeling insignificant.  The journey to leave that behind and move on is my journey...leading while feeling like you have nothing of value to share or that your voice will never be heard is next to impossible.  I could teach others how much God loved them and how He wanted to set them free but was a struggle to find it for me...

Seems to me like I really am going through a major shift in my life...deep inside. I have struggled for as long as I can remember with thoughts of not being good enough, strong enough, smart enough, or spiritual enough. Never really feeling like I could ever make a difference no matter what it is concerning.  One night driving home on the turnpike in a pretty big snow storm, I noticed on the other side of the road an accident had happened.  It was pretty recent as there were no police or any other help there. As I started to drive by, I noticed the truck was beginning to burn, and I pointed it out to Barb but with no intention of stopping.  Why would I stop? I am not a fireman...a medical person...I would just get in the way.  Now Barb begins telling me to stop and immediately jumps out of the car and runs to the wall dividing the road...I sit in the car...what could I do?  What could I offer?  She grabs blankets and whatever else she can get her hands on and all the time praying...in tongues...in her understanding. 

This is an over the top illustration I think and yet this scene demonstrates what I am talking about in a physical picture...she sees a need and runs to it...she is not a fire person...a medical person...she is not thinking she will be in the way...there are people in need. It is kind of over the top but when you are pretty sure you have nothing to offer you think more about yourself than others...or maybe the overwhelming feeling you just don’t have what it takes paralyzes you.

I also have discovered thinking you really do not matter or have anything to offer can impose itself when you want or need to show compassion or sympathy to others. Recently a a leader close by went through a hard, emotional time as they suffered loss. As I wrestle with how or even more real, do I reach out, I can be struck by how little I have to offer...more important people will step in...why would they need or want to hear from me. The low self esteem stops even the most simple of efforts just to say I am sorry to hear about their pain. Maybe they don’t need to hear from me...maybe they do...or maybe I need to go beyond my self preservation and show kindness.  Again this is a pretty dramatic scene but imagine when you feel this way how you respond to other invitations or opportunities.  Invited to go on mission trips I wonder why...what is the point...it is just me...I really don’t do much...or have much to share.  I guess you have to wonder how I even came to be a Pastor...me too...the only thing I truly know is God  looks for someone to say yes to Him. I think that is how...I said yes.  

But the shift...ahhh the shift...shift happens. (sorry I could not pass that by) I am pretty convinced in our ministry journey we begin with much of ourselves being involved, mixed with God, knowing all things are possible with God.  I think where we end up is...we know without God we go no where. It is all Him...Maturity is, in my eyes, this journey from being independent to being dependent...on Him... for all things. So lately I see God bringing people...young and older, probably none older than me, but older, and He is bringing them towards us...me...and I am finding I feel like I have stuff to offer them...it is the strangest feeling I have ever had. How do you transition from feeling totally useless to being useful...in your own eyes...you see, this is where it has to finally settle in.  God knows who you are...others see it way before you do...but you have to see it. You have to own it. I could tell others about it for themselves...affirm them...encourage them...but not for myself.  I think if I did begin to go there, I was convinced I was then becoming prideful...and I did not want that.  Wow! I sure am complicated aren’t I? See I am drifting back right now...

So I see these people coming my way and my first thought is to....run!  They will find out I am a fake...I will discover I was right all along...I have nothing to offer. But instead I want to lean into this new discovery...this new sense of belonging...this sense that I can make a difference.  The good thing is when you come from way over on the other side of that, you know you have to give it away...it is not mine to control...to profit off of...you let it leak out...pour out...because it is not yours anyway.  Then in God’s kingdom, others will draw it out of you, pull it out when you aren’t looking...their hunger...their faith draws it out. In conversations...just hanging out...doing life. I am talking with young leaders who are so much more gifted than I and it is such an honor...and they just want to hang out.  They are hungry and they pull the best stuff out of you...and then I meet with senior leaders who, by the way we measure things in church culture, are so much more successful than I, but we talk...about God...what I might know about Him. 

Such a paradigm shift for me...strange...humbling. I really don’t know when the shift began in earnest...I sense it began as I sought to be healed by the One who knows me the best...healed of deep stuff.  It began as others believed in me before I did...saw things I could not see...challenged me to be a pastor...a leader.  Recently we were in a setting where others in our circle were asked to speak words of affirmation to us...not just made us stuff but what they saw...in us...in me.  Right towards the end one of the leaders asked me if I had heard all the things spoken to me and I nodded that I had but not in a very convincing manner I suppose.  He looked at me and said, “This is what we see...not what we made up...what we see. You need to hear it!”  Now that shook my world a bit...it was not make believe...it was real...for them...for me.  Shift happens...the Spirit takes one who will say yes and heals and moves them along the path of life.  

Bill